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2005-08-08T20:25:00.000-07:00

Remembering Names

We've all faced this problem - you bump into a familiar face, but try as you might, you simply can't remember his name. Oh the awkward moment, the blank look in your eyes, the expectant smile on the other person's face.

Is this problem keeping you from networking successfully? Some of us admittedly have poorer memory capability for faces and names, but if it happens often enough, surely it's time to see if something can be done.
Today, let's talk about some simple tips for helping you remember names when you meet people.

What's the most fundamental rule when it comes to remembering something?

Repetition.

But simply repeating the person's name after you've parted is not quite as effective as repeating it during the encounter. So when you're first introduced to someone, use their names several times when you talk to them. "Hi, Kok Kiong, nice to meet you. So, what do you do for a living, Kok Kiong? Do you have any kids, Kok Kiong? Kok Kiong, it was great to meet you!"

If you don't catch the name when it's originally told to you, don't be afraid to ask for it again. This is entirely acceptable as people understand that names may not get through clearly the first time. If it's a foreign or unfamiliar name, ask the person to spell it for you, just to be doubly sure. And say the name immediately after you've confirmed it.

Also, try linking the name with something that's related to the person - it could the mutual friend who introduced you, a body feature or personality trait. Do they resemble something that rhymes with their name? Can you make up a catchphrase or a story that uses the feature and the name? Sparkly Sharkee? Action Jackson? It doesn't matter if it's nonsensical; what's important is the strong association you'll remember.

If your acquaintances are the namesakes of famous people, try associating them with those personalities. If you meet an "Anna", for example, you might imagine her as a Russian blueblood and link her with Anna Karenina. Or imagine her playing tennis and associate her with Anna Kournikova.

Create Your Own Perfect Morning

Most of us start the day as if we were trying to catch a plane. We wake up, hurry through a shower, grab a cup of coffee, skim through the first few pages of the paper, then rush out of the house. After that, it's meetings, deadlines, packet lunches, bottomlines. Even after we leave the office, our responsibilities and obligations don't seem to end; for many of us, we only get to take a breath just before we fall asleep and even then, it's not restful sleep. Many of us repeat this routine almost every day. It's like we've entered autopilot mode and we don't even wonder why we do what we do anymore.

Somewhere along the way, we forgot that there is no plane to catch. You are the plane, you are the pilot. But are you flying intentionally or mindlessly following flight paths? Are you mapping out the route to your desired destination or are you simply plying the same route back and forth?

For many of us, our lives feel like they're going somewhere. But are they? Where? What if you realised you could make changes that will make your life more enjoyable, more successful and more fulfilling?

How can we assume more control over our lives and where they're headed, instead of always rushing to some point because we feel we should or because we've been told to?

It all begins with creating your perfect morning. This is your morning, no one else's. A harmonious and reflective start does wonders for the rest of the day. So instead of rushing, wake up half an hour earlier. Wake up gently to soft music, or an alarm clock that produces a gradually-accelerating tone.

Then before doing anything else take 10-15 minutes and sit silently thinking about all you're grateful for. Then start to wonder what the highlight of your day could be. As you leave your house and begin the flow of your day, you look at each experience and wonder if this is going to be the highpoint of your day, knowing there is more to come.

Starting the day this way, that is, gently, introspectively, and on your own terms, increases your energy and efficiency throughout the day. When you leave your house centred and focused, there is a much greater likelihood that you can maintain this balance throughout the day. Begin the day on your own terms and discover the dramatic changes that are possible.

Love Should Not Be Bartered

You usually do what you're told or asked to, even when you really don't want to do it. You keep your grudges inside, but because you feel mistreated, you grumble, complain and have frequent bursts of anger. You feel suppressed, but just can't seem to say "no".

Does that sound like you?

If you're consistently suppressing your desires to accommodate other people's needs, even it makes you really unhappy, perhaps you need a shift in self-perspective.

You probably feel that if you don't give in to others' requests or demands, that people will not love or accept you anymore. You believe that their "love" for you is based solely on the pre-requisite that you comply with their every wish.

People trapped in such relationships can't seem to refuse the requests of family members or friends. And their family members and friends have become so used to seeing them in the submissive role that they often think that's what makes them happy, so they leave them to it. These people also get feelings of self-worth from being the "victim", the "martyr", or the one who has to sacrifice his own needs to accommodate the desires of the people he loves. This is a false line of reasoning that he has allowed himself to believe.

But your family members and friends will just as easily love you even if you can't give in to their desires. Love does not require that you suppress your true self and happiness. Love does not need you to be dishonest about your real feelings.
True freedom is found in giving out of love and not out of fear. When we give out of fear of rejection, we are not really giving but bartering whatever we are giving in exchange for others' acceptance.

No one can respond to what others ask of them all the time. And you are just as worthy of love even when you can't accommodate the needs of others.

Is it time you allowed others to be responsible for their own reality? And for you to be responsible for your own happiness?

2005-07-16T22:03:00.000-07:00

Be Open to Possibilities

When you imagine your future, do you see unlimited potential or do you see a lack of opportunities? Almost everyday, we are overrun by bad news, bleak outlooks, and people who complain about how miserable their lives are. In such a climate, it's no small task remaining upbeat and optimistic. But it is precisely that kind of positive attitude that will open your eyes to the opportunities that are always present.

According to Rosamund Stone Zander, author of "The Art of Possibility", many of the circumstances appear to block us only because of the assumptions we make. In other words, if we colour our view of the world with negative energy, our behaviour towards it will appear to elicit an unfavourable response. If you look at your environment through cracked and grimy glasses, you won't see a pretty picture.

When you participate in negative dialogue, either with yourself or with others, you are setting yourself up for failure. It's almost as if there's an instinct to prove oneself right, and if you think things will turn out badly, your thoughts and action will contribute to that result. When you retreat from a world you perceive as grim, you're closing yourself off to the possibilities.

But what happens if you remain open to the possibilities? When you view the world from a perspective of unlimited potential, your attitude will shift. So will the way you engage your employees, customers, friends and family; everyone you come into contact with. You will project an image of abundance, and your drive and hope will inspire those around you. You will become a motivating force in a climate of openness and courage, a climate that gives back to you just as much, if not more, than what you gave to create it.

When we're open to possibilities, we see further and are more inclined to take risks. Risks that may not always yield the results we want, but which create more paths towards our goals. You're only a failure if you stop trying. Because opportunities for success are limitless - when one doesn't pay off the way you imagined, there's always the next, and the next. One of them will be the one to catapult you forward, and it could just be the next one.

Being open means that you have to stand confident in the realm of possibilities - no matter the competition and no matter your fear. If your entire focus is on what your competitors are doing, your attitude will be passed on to your employees, and, ultimately, your clients. But if you focus on what you do best and how to better satisfy your clients and engage with them in new and powerful ways, your results will be quite different!

2005-07-16T22:01:00.000-07:00

Circus Humans?

I once heard the story of a grown bear that lived in a cage and travelled with a circus ever since he was a small cub. The bear spent everyday of his life pacing back and forth in his cage while countless spectators looked on. When the bear-keepers were not looking, some of the spectators would poke the bear with sharp sticks.
Sometimes they would throw pieces of food filled with broken glass into the cage. When the great bear ate what he thought was a wonderful treat, the broken glass would cut the inside of his throat and stomach.

One day a wealthy animal-lover visited the circus and saw the harmful acts committed against the bear. Because he felt great compassion for animals he approached the circus about purchasing the bear. He explained that he would take the bear and place him in a large open area. In this area the bear would have cool pools of water to play in and verdant fields to run. The circus agreed to sell the bear to the man and set up a delivery date.

When the day arrived for the bear to be delivered, everyone was anxious to see what would happen when the door of the cage was opened for the first time. To everyone's amazement, when the cage was opened, the bear did what he spent every day of his life doing. He simply paced back and forth the length of the cage. The bear didn't even seem to care that the cage door was open. Finally, the bear-keepers got the bear outside the cage and rolled it away.

The bear looked around at his beautiful new home. He looked at the cool pools of water and the lush green pastures. Then to everyone's surprise and disappointment, the bear began his pacing. Back and forth he would go, as in an imaginary cage. Eventually he had to be put to sleep because he simply could not function in his beautiful new surroundings.

This is the powerful way we become slaves to our past, to our habits. This is how many of us, not just circus animals, learn to accept that there is nothing better for us. Even when it's staring us in the face.

To a large degree, our history and past experience determine the person we are today. Yes, we are the result of upbringing, of education, of constraining social norms. But that's no excuse for accepting a routine, meaningless lifestyle. That's no excuse for not being the person you want to be.

Many of us have responsibilities towards others - our families and loved ones. Some of us put up with less than desirable conditions because of those obligations. But how many of those obligations are really excuses for not making things better?

In a world of possibilities, are you pacing the length of your imaginary cage?

2005-07-16T22:00:00.000-07:00

Worrying Instinct

Worry is a common human experience. It's been around forever, and yet most of us can't seem to get rid of it. Is it a survival instinct? Worry does make you think about what you can do to improve your situation or avoid a disaster, right? The problem is how many of us actually do something about it? If you're like most people, you worry everyday about various things that haven't happened, but do nothing about it.

For example, most of us worry about things like not having enough money, ill health, being alone, getting fired, being hated, growing old, or being seen as useless or incompetent. Our mental well-being suffers, we can't sleep properly, some of us experience panic attacks. Worry eats away at our optimism until one day, we may not feel we have the strength to go on. How many of us act on our worries to create a better future?

What is worry, essentially? It's the anxiety caused by a pending or imaginary problem. The irony about worry is that it can cause immeasurable stress and pain even when the so-called "problem" doesn't exist. People literally lose the will to live over something that hasn't even happened, and which may never happen! Why do we possess such a powerful yet pointless instinct?

Yet, I wonder if there is some use to worry. It can be a motivating force towards positive change. Like anger and discontent, it can propel us to make advancements in areas we wouldn't normally think about. If you're worried about something, do something constructive about it. If you have financial troubles, think about how you can make more money. Trying something, anything, is better than sitting around moaning. Besides, when you try, you create more and more opportunities for yourself.

There are some worries though, that are simply not worth your time. Worrying about failing because of some past experience, for example, is energy-wasting. Worrying about other people's opinion of you is also ultimately pointless. Worrying about yourself and your loved ones is more than enough. Forget the people in life who seem to drain your optimism and sap your confidence.

Worry takes over every moment of every day, ruins happy moments and restricts the capability for one to enjoy life for what it is worth. Worry can quickly occupy so much of your mental energy that hardly anything else gets your attention. So if you're worried about something, do something about it. That's empowering. But if you do nothing, it will consume you.

2005-07-12T08:46:00.000-07:00

Improving Communication With Your Partner

Consistent, healthy communication is vital for your relationships. It's like the heart in the human body. It's easy to see why really - if you don't talk about your feelings, how will your partner know how you feel? And if your partner doesn't know, how can he or she react properly?

There are some things to note for healthy communication though; some couples seem to communicate often but it doesn't help the relationship because they're just venting and not listening. Or they're presuming too much, or taking things too personally.

Start by learning to listen. Now, some people seem to do that, but what they're really doing is waiting for their chance to cut in and defend themselves. They often sit while the other person is talking, waiting for a space to jump into the conversation to defend their actions, explain themselves, or explode in anger.

What you should do is listen actively and emphatically to your partner. Watch the facial expressions, the body language. Learn to listen to more than just the words since we often can't express what we're really trying to say in words alone.

Also, don't assume that you understand what your partner is trying to say. Ask for clarification. Sometimes, it can seem as though your partner is being sarcastic or insulting, or making a cruel joke about you, but you're basically just being over-sensitive. If you're not sure, ask. Very often, you'll find that you were off the mark completely. And trust your partner's clarification. If you can't trust your partner, then the relationship is doomed anyway.

Also, words have different meanings for different people. Some people say "interesting" when they mean "I think it's awful but I don't want to hurt your feelings". Learn to remember how your partner uses certain words or tones and what he or she is trying to convey. Take the time to study what he or she means by saying certain things. This will make your sharing experience much more pleasant.

There are certain topics that may trigger a fight-or-flight reaction. Sometimes in sharing you might bring up topics or feelings that scare your partner and put them into a flight situation where they close-up and avoid sharing or it might be something that touches a painful memory and they get into a defensive mode. Being aware of these triggers helps you learn how to either carefully back off or gently probe for answers.

Yes, healthy communication is tough, but if you're serious about making your relationship work, few things are more important.

2005-07-12T08:44:00.000-07:00

Life Management Skills

Most of us lead increasingly stressful lives. This world is moving fast and none of us wants to get left behind. So we nearly break our backs trying to achieve the things we think will make us happier. But the demands of modern life often leave us feeling dragged out and inadequate.

Does this sound familiar? "Life just seems to be whizzing past. I don't feel as though I'm spending enough quality time on the things that matter most to me. I worry a lot that I'm going to somehow miss my life and then it will be over."

This is a very common anxiety. Too often, we spend so much of our lives hopping on and off trains that we don't even think about whether we would be happier simply taking a walk and breathing in Nature instead.
So how can we ensure that those things of greatest importance to us get the amount of attention they deserve?
First, identify the top four priority categories in your life. For most of us, these are spirituality and personal development, family and relationships, career, and personal care and health. Honestly assess how much time you give to each category.

Do you devote 80% of your time to work and expect your family life to be rich and rewarding? Do you spend only 10% of your time caring for your health and wonder why you're ill so often? Do you dedicate 70% of your time to your family and are upset that your career isn't exactly taking off?

Something has to give. We can't all be corporate superstars, fantastic parents, wonderful spouses, devoted friends, and joyful and healthy individuals. Well, some of us appear to be but we often don't see the areas where they're lacking. Identify your priorities and give yourself credit for growth in those areas.

Practice being in the present moment only. Worrying on Saturday about that application you can only send in on Monday is pointless. Worrying takes precious time and attention away from your priorities and increases your feelings of dissatisfaction about life.

Be patient and loving with yourself. Always remember, life is an ongoing process and it will throw you curve balls from time to time. But with practice, you will find coming back to equilibrium gets quicker and easier.

2005-07-06T10:14:00.000-07:00

Barriers to Joy: Desire

In a continuing series on "A Slice of Life", we identify some barriers to joy. They may in the form of negative feelings, selfish or destructive attitudes, or unhealthy behavioural patterns.

In this programme, let's talk about desire. Like complaining, which I shared about in the last programme, desire is impossible to pigeonhole. It's a tricky topic to pin down because desire need not be a bad thing.

Without desire, we wouldn't be enjoying a lot of the modern conveniences today. Without desire, we would not have the pleasure of experiencing positive actions. Desire is important because it motivates us towards becoming something better than what we are now. It drives us also to make things better for the people we care about.
But like most things in life, desire has a dark side. Desire can lead to feelings of covetousness and envy. It can blind us to the pain and suffering of others because we are so focused on our goal. Desire can lead us to see people as objects and make objects seem more important than people.

I'm sure you can think of plenty of examples where desire has led to tragedy or suffering; literature and the media are littered with them - the father who refuses to let his children fulfill their dreams because he has his own plans for them, the lover who relentlessly pursues the object of his desire even though no genuine love exists between them, the power-hungry politician, the man who covets a married woman, and so on.

Desire can also be a problem when it makes us want things which are unattainable or inaccessible. The person who desires say, a BMW, but only makes less than $2,000 a month may find the quality of his life somewhat diminished due to the lack of that particular car. The problem is compounded when the person actually goes ahead and buys the car, and ends up either exhausting his life savings or struggling every month to pay the installments.

There is nothing fundamentally wrong with desire. Desire can inspire us to greater love and selflessness. It can motivate us to improve ourselves. But if the things we want are unattainable, we must be able to accept it. We all can get what we want, if we can just want what we get.

As Donald Horban once said, "We don't need to increase our goods nearly as much as we need to scale down our wants. Not wanting something is as good as possessing it."

Barriers to Joy: Possessions

We all own things, and certainly possessions by themselves can't prevent us from finding lasting happiness and peace of mind. They are, after all, just things - they cannot make us feel or do anything we don't want to, and they cannot change us unless we ourselves want to change.

Possessions for the most part can enrich our lives and help us discover new dimensions of a particular experience. It's when we believe that what we own determines who we are as human beings that problems arise.

Possessing something empowers us; we often feel that owning a certain item makes us more desirable, more respected, more admired. Our self-worth thus becomes dependent on what we own. This has two possible repercussions. First, we may be compelled to make purchases we don't need or can't afford, leading to either a clutter of things we don't use, or living on credit and loans we can barely service. And second, when our possessions don't have the desired effect on others, our emotional well-being is strained.

For example, a car provides us with a form of private transport that's convenient and in most cases, time-saving. But for some of us, we buy cars that we feel says something about us, whether it be a devil-may-care attitude, suaveness, or ruggedness. When we're in the car, it's almost an extension of ourselves. We expect this attractive image to be plain to everyone, to get us more friends and dates. But when this doesn't happen, we're disappointed. We may think that the fact of ownership will make our life more fulfilling, but it won't.

We all experience a degree of satisfaction from owning certain things. I, for one, am like a gleeful kid on Christmas Eve whenever I receive my latest shipment of CDs. But the kind of satisfaction should be internal, and not dependent on what others think of you as a result of you owning that item. Our possessions should not make us act in ways we wouldn't usually behave. And certainly our possessions should not make us feel less of a person if we don't have them or lose them. We are who we are, not what we own.

As John McGahern once said, "Anything that is given can be at once taken away. We have to learn never to expect anything, and when it comes it's no more than a gift on loan."

Barriers to Joy: Worry

In this programme, we continue to identify some barriers to joy so that we may try to remove them in our path towards greater happiness and peace.

Mark Twain once said, "I am an old man and have known a great many troubles, but most of them have never happened."

Our mind is often our own worst enemy, and our thoughts can routinely cause us hours, days even, of unnecessary distress and anxiety. Worry is a prolific writer of anxious thoughts and worst-case scenarios, and it can often spin an overwrought, extravagant yarn worthy of any soap opera writer's desk.

Take for example, we unintentionally offend someone and that person confronts us about it. The drama could end with our apology and that person's understanding. But no, in our minds, we'd imagine that the person is truly livid, and that he or she will tell others of what we have done. That will then cause people to judge us unfavourably.

Or say a friend calls up to cancel something we had planned. We could simply take it as what it is - a cancellation. But no, we'd take it as a consequence of how our friend feels about us. Maybe he or she doesn't want to be around us anymore. Maybe he or she had heard something undesirable about us. Maybe he or she found a more interesting person to be with.

Our ability to make ourselves feel miserable knows no bounds. And it doesn't end with our relations with friends either. A family member or a partner could say or do something to us, which in our view is harsh or insensitive. That's enough fuel for our minds to start thinking "My partner doesn't love me anymore. Maybe he or she is getting bored with me. He or she doesn't care about my feelings. Maybe he or she want to break up with me. Maybe I'll never be able to find love. Maybe, maybe, maybe…"

We waste precious time and energy dreaming up hypothetical situations which most of the time simply aren't true at all. Sometimes, we may unwittingly make them true by behaving jealously, insensitively or unreasonably. An insanely jealous husband or wife may provoke his or her partner into having an affair even though no intention existed previously.

We should recognise such negative thoughts and learn not to let them hold sway over our emotions.

Barriers to Joy: Impatience

In this programme, we continue to look at some barriers to joy - attitudes, emotions, and behavioural patterns that prevent us from getting the most out of life.

We live in a society which values speed and output. We focus on the destination and find the process of getting there an inconvenience. We're so obsessed with getting what we want that we find the waiting deplorable. It's not difficult to see just how impatient people can be -simply take a short drive or examine the frowning faces at a supermarket queue.

Why are we rushing? And why is waiting so insufferable? Is arriving so important that our journey is wasted on agonising over getting there? Will saving those few minutes of our day contribute to our happiness and well-being?

Impatience is a bane that takes a lot of fun out of our lives. When we're impatient, we become tense and edgy. We become so caught up with what we need to do or get done soon that we can hardly relax. When we're so anxious to get somewhere or finish something, much of our time is spent fretting, cursing and sighing. We fail to notice and enjoy the beauty of the journey, and spend our time fuming over a wait that could've been better spent on something else.

Waiting takes up a very big part of our lives. We wait for the bus, we wait for the lift, we wait for our turn at the clinic, we wait for the car to be repaired, we wait for our food to get done, we wait for our date to arrive, we wait for the light to turn green. Just imagine how much distress could be avoided if we could learn to take things easy and not focus so much on speed. Or spend our wait in more meaningful and beneficial ways.

The next time you're made to wait, perhaps your car is supposed to be ready by a certain time but it isn't, try focusing on a positive way to spend the time. Maybe you could notice details in your surroundings you would normally have ignored. Perhaps you could take a walk round the neighbourhood; you might see something you've never seen before. Or visit a shop; who knows what you might find. Or you could try reading something you wouldn't normally read. Chances are, you'll end up getting quite a bit out of the time that would have otherwise been wasted on fretting and fuming.

As Jean Paul Richter once said, "For no one does life drag more disagreeably than for him who tries to speed it up."

Barriers to Joy

For the past two weeks, we've been discussing some barriers to joy. In this final part of the series, let's briefly recap these obstacles.

Complaining without constructive action quickly becomes a habit. It causes us to focus on trivial problems and take blessings for granted. Besides, focusing on the negative drags everybody down.

Desire can be a force for positive change, but blind desire can make us covet and envy. It makes us oblivious to the suffering of others. Desire can also lead us to treat people as objects and value objects more than people.
When we believe that our possessions determine who we are as human beings, we may be forced to buy things we don't need or can't afford. Also, when our possessions don't have the desired effect on others, namely inspire respect, awe or desire, our emotional well-being suffers.

People with a strong desire for revenge miss out on the good things in life. They often only see the ugly, the irredeemable, the unjust. They add to the anger and hatred in the world, of which we already have too much. Besides, revenge doesn't heal our wounds.

The person who frequently engages in self-pity is looking for sympathy, and in that sympathy, he or she hopes to find some relief. People who do this regularly see mostly failure, disappointment and insufficiency in their lives. They are unhappy at work and often find their relationships unfulfilling.

We feel resentment too easily, when people fail to care, fail to think or when they fail to meet our expectations of what we deem to be good, fair, or decent. But resentment eats away at our spirit and mental well-being. Why give someone the power to steal our peace of mind?

When we worry, we waste precious time and energy dreaming up hypothetical situations which most of the time aren't true or will never come to pass. Worry costs us hours, days even, of unnecessary stress.
Impatience comes about when we value speed and output too much. We become so caught up with what we need to do or get done soon that we can hardly relax. When we're too focused on the destination, the journey can feel dull or miserable.

When we accumulate unfulfilled dreams, we're feeding a ghost that will haunt our remaining years. Pursuing these dreams and making at least some of them come true is essential for a full and happy life. Otherwise, you might end up so far from your ideals that you feel your life has been in vain.And those are some barriers that we should remove in our path towards greater happiness and peace.

2005-07-06T10:00:00.000-07:00

Happiness is a Stimulus

What do you want most for your children? For them to be successful? To have good, well-paying jobs? Or for them to be happy?
Perhaps it's an inevitable consequence of our competitive, meritocraticsociety that some parents may initially feel that success and wealth arethe things they most want their children to have.

However, it is very likely that if parents contemplate this matter further,they will eventually realize that success and wealth are useless unlesstheir children are happy.

Art Berg has some thoughts on this sometimes elusive state of mind?

I believe that happiness evades many because they misconstrue the process and journey of finding it. I have heard many people say that, "I'll behappy when I get my new promotion." Or, "I'll be happy when I lose thatextra 20 pounds." And, "I'll be happy when the kids go back to school." The list goes on and on. You probably have a few of your own you could add If you wanted.

This thinking is dangerous because it presupposes that happiness is a"response" to having, being or doing something. In life, we all experiencestimulus and response. Stimulus is when a dog barks at you and bares his teeth. Response is when your heart beats faster, your palms get sweaty and you prepare to run.

Today, some people think that an expensive car is stimulus. Happiness is a response. A great paying job is stimulus. Happiness is a response. A loving relationship is stimulus. Happiness is a response. This belief leaves us thinking and feeling: "I'll be happy when...."

It has been my finding that actually the opposite is true. I believe that happiness is a stimulus and response is what life brings to those who are truly happy. When we are happy, we tend to have more success in our work. When we are happy, people want to be around us and enjoy lovingrelationships. When we are happy, we more naturally take better care of our bodies and enjoy good health.

Happiness is NOT a response--rather, it is a stimulus. Happiness is aconscious choice we make every day of our lives. I have made only onesimple rule for my own happiness: Every day above ground is a GOOD day.Consequently, I tend to have a lot of good (and happy) days in succession.
Some thoughts by Art Berg.

So don't wish for success, wealth, and fame for your children. If they are happy, success and wealth will find them naturally. If they don't havehappiness to begin with, then all is in vain.

2005-07-06T08:57:00.000-07:00

The Way You Wake Up

Success in life can be as simple as looking at the way you wake up. If you can wake up in a happy, peaceful and positive frame of mind, then you will reclaim your confidence, your love for life, your desire to succeed. The mood with which you start the day sets the tone for the rest of the day.

One way of ensuring that you wake up in a positive and powerful frame of mind is to change your ritual before you go to sleep. Look back over your day. How are you describing what happened to you today?

Are you focusing on those incidents that drained you or the actions, feedback and feelings that made you feel good? You should concentrate on issues that give you power, what made you feel good. You see, what you focus on is what you get. So if you continue to focus on the negative and the draining issues then you have no choice but to feel sluggish and drained all the time. If you can allow yourself to drift off to sleep while thinking positively of your successes then you have the opportunity of being recharged through sleep and waking in a dynamic frame of mind.

It may sometimes be impossible to see the successes of the day. Maybe one particular day, everything seemed to go wrong for you. What can you do then? Well, think about it this way - it doesn't matter how bad the experience is; work with it as though it were an opportunity, a challenge. Nothing can happen to you that isn't for your benefit. Even though when it is happening it doesn't feel like it. Do not just accept the draining incident and make yourself tired and discouraged but refocus your mind. Imagine that whatever happens to you is meant to happen to you and coming through it can only improve you.

And throw away your alarm clock. For many people this sounds ridiculous. How would you ever get up in the morning if it weren't for your alarm clock? But have you ever stopped to wonder what it is about your life that requires you to shock yourself awake? Can such regular rude awakenings be good for you? If you need some assistance in waking up by a particular time, try waking up to music, or use a more subtle method like a Zen Clock which gives a soft tone of increasing frequency, that will slowly and gently wake you up.

Wake up 5 to 10 minutes earlier, sit quietly and plant the seeds of peace and love in your mind. Listen to soothing music. Cultivate a feeling of warmth and peace. A feeling of love and acceptance. When you do this you are connecting with your natural power of peace and love which naturally bring freedom and positivity to your life. The result is a feeling of harmony and contentment. Now you're ready to face the world!

Perfectionism

Like many other societies, ours is one driven by the pursuit of the highest standards. We were taught to always be the best, the one who gets the medal, the one with the best grades, the one who gets the most value for money at the buffet table.

This struggle towards perfection is not entirely unjustified; after all, we all should strive to become the best that we can be. Some of us actually thrive on constantly trying to be perfect. However, there is a difference between trying to be your best and attempting to live up to expectations which are excessively high or overly rigid. Perfectionistic behaviour isn't helpful when it makes you aim for standards you can't possibly meet, and causes you to become depressed and anxious when you don't meet them.

Perfectionistic inclinations are only positive when you're able to re-adjust your standards when you realise that they are impossible to reach.

If excessively high goals are making you inconsolably frustrated and miserable, then maybe it's time you rethink your concept of perfection. We all need to know when it's time to go for it and when to kick back a little and stop beating ourselves up over what we failed to achieve.

How do you know if your perfectionist tendencies are beginning to cause you unnecessary strife and misery?

Martin M. Antony, co-author of the book "When Perfect Isn't Good Enough", suggests asking the people around you. He goes on to say that perfectionism can mean a lot of different things. It can be a detail-oriented, compulsive way of being, where everything has to be in order and no one is allowed to be more than a couple of minutes late for an appointment.

People may also set unattainable standards for themselves - like trying to be the perfect parent, a superstar at work, a fantastic friend or the ideal partner, or attempting to attain the perfect physique.

You know it's starting to become a problem when you realise that there are certain aspects of your life from which you demand absolute perfection - anything less makes you unhappy and unfulfilled. It could be a relationship perhaps, or how your colleagues perceive you. And that feeling of dissatisfaction is very intense and is beginning to adversely impact other aspects of your life.

Let go of that anxiety and relax a little. Very often, these benchmarks hardly do any damage if they aren't reached. Don't let the pursuit of perfection affect your happiness and ability to maintain fulfilling relationships with the people around you.

Growing Old With Love and Confidence

Does growing old scare you? Do you have a vision of homes for the elderly and worry that you might end up there, alone and helpless? Do you fear loss of control and being dependent on your children?

Those are all very "natural" questions most of us ask ourselves as we enter our middle age period. Maybe you're acquainted with nursing homes filled with people who are just like you think you will be. Maybe you are listening to others talk about their aches and pains and how it only gets worse.

But old age is not all about wasting away. Think about elderly folk you've encountered who are healthy and active, who look good and feel good. How can you also work towards a meaningful and vibrant old age?

If you're going to make your older years happy and fruitful ones, then you'd better start now. The average life expectancy of Singaporeans is 82. No matter what you thought in the past, chances are you're going to be around for a long time. So why not take control now so your coming years will be worth growing into?

Remember this: You grow into what you are thinking now. The more you imagine that your old age is doomed to be sickly and pointless, the less you're going to care about how to prevent it. As a result, you spend less time investing in relationships, tend to spend whatever you have, and are less inclined to save.

So get rid of that notion of elderly people wasting away in nursing homes. There are plenty of very productive older people out there living, being, making their dreams come true. They aren't saying "I wish I had died the minute I turned old".

Instead, think about the kind of person you want to grow into. How would you like to spend your final years?

Cultivate a skill that will a source of joy, and even better, also a source of income, as you grow older. Invest in your friendships. Your friends are likely to be the only ones who will grow old with you, and be able to relate to you and share memories with you in your later years. Invest in a savings plan. If you're averse to saving, just think of it as a monthly donation to charity - your charity. After all, you're going to need that money after retirement. Stay active and healthy. Take the time and effort to invest in a healthy diet and a fitness regime. It's amazing how these little things add up to create a happier and healthier old age. And cultivate a spirit of learning. The heart that continues to be curious will never grow old.

Resolving Relationship Conflicts

What blocks you from resolving conflicts with your partner?

A lasting and rewarding relationship has to be open and honest. And to keep it that way, you have to be able to air grievances with your partner. Burying issues, and avoiding conflict and disagreements, do not have a place in a healthy relationship. You might as well accept the fact that you WILL get on each other's nerves. You will disagree from time to time. Learn how to argue in a constructive manner to resolve the issue at hand and not tear each other apart personally. Here are some recommended steps for resolving conflict.

First of all, agree to reach a solution. Many of us either choose to attack our partner or run away from the argument, neither of which helps. Always remember that you and your partner are in the same team - both of you want what's best for the relationship. Sometimes, in the heat of argument, we forget that.

Also, explore your feelings. Why are you so upset? Examine your reaction to the event and see if you are responding to the present situation or reliving a past hurtful event. See if this issue is really about you and your partner or you and someone from your past.

Next, identify what you want. Speak up. See what you and your partner can work out for a mutually satisfying resolution. Your partner cannot give you want you want if you don't have the courage to ask for it. Remember, you are in love with each other. You want to feel good, your partner wants to feel good, and you both have the same wish for each other. Keep that in mind as you express your desires.

And choose mutual action. A relationship is a partnership, a joint effort. If one person ends up being responsible for making the union work on every level, resentment will build up. Work out fair resolutions.

Conversing or Merely Talking?

There's a saying that goes "One of the most boring things in the world is ME deep in conversation".

Nobody likes a conversation-hogger, not even if the self-styled "monologue artist" is an interesting and knowledgeable person. No matter how engaging he or she may be at first, the smiles and nods quickly turn into blank faces and efforts to keep from yawning.

People like to share, yes, especially when it comes to their own experiences and interests. But people also like people who allow them to share. And who listen to them.

The next time you enter into discourse with someone or a group of people, check yourself to see if you often feel the need to cut into a person's speech with your views on the topic. Do you tend to go on prattling without allowing the other person to contribute his or her fair share? Do you engage in conversation or do you simply talk?

You may have a lot of information. You may even be an expert on the subject. But unless you're a lecturer or a speaker at a seminar, YOU droning on about YOURSELF simply doesn't make meaningful conversation. The dynamic is lost. You might as well be talking to a mirror.

It can be hard sometimes, I know, when you're just bursting with information. And it can be difficult to admit that you sometimes don't have an answer. But the danger in simply talking is that you may engage the mouth before putting the brain in gear. I've said lots of dumb things because I didn't think before I spoke.

Unfortunately, this may not only involve statements that are dumb, but sometimes statements that are also harmful. And, yet, though the right thing to do in such cases is to apologize, such does not change the fact we said it. This being the case, we'll never regret being slow to speak.

Nor will we regret those occasions when we had nothing to say and just kept quiet. There are folks who bring to mind the story of the man who was suing for divorce. The judge asked why. "Because she talks too much," was the reply. "What does she talk about?" the judge asked. "That's just it," the husband answered. "She never says." Silence truly can be golden.

It's also a good idea to be silent when one doesn't have a proper answer. Or, better yet, a person might just say, "I don't know." No one has all the answers.

So try to converse more, rather than just talking. As someone once put it, "Merely talking is about as far from communicating as merely not talking is from actually listening".

Don't Let Anger Get the Better of You

How often do you allow anger to get the better of you?

Well, the next time you feel that emotion igniting your belly and flaring in your temples, remember: anger hurts no one more than you. Besides the more evident downsides like increased risk of heart disease and high blood pressure, anger deprives you of the time you could've spent on something more satisfying and beneficial.

If you're a kettle of water on the stove, anger is the flame beneath you. It takes hardly any effort for someone to ignite the gas. Very often, it takes a few simple words, or a selfish or foolish act. After the flame is lit, the perpetrator disappears, and you're left seething silently till you reaching the boiling point. As you allow the heat to engulf you, you start losing more and more of yourself until you bubble over. Very soon, there'll be more of you in the atmosphere than in the kettle.

Whether you vent your anger or hold it inside is irrelevant. Either way, you are causing damage to yourself. And to what end? Will the consequences affect your life so drastically and prevent you from achieving happiness? In an hour, a day, in a month, a year… who's going to care?

Some people are more predisposed to anger than others. A simple way of checking how susceptible you are to anger is to ask yourself: Do you often feel as if you're mistreated by others? Do you frequently take minor insults or inconveniences as personal attacks against you? Do you complain more than you praise? Do you often exaggerate the actions of others? Has driving become unpleasant because you're cursing other drivers so much?

Think of all the things that get on your nerves. Why do they upset you? Are they worth getting worked up over? Does getting angry resolve anything? The next time these things surface, remember how insignificant they are. If you can change things, by all means, do it. If not, either accept them, or avoid them. Most of them are really not worth your time and effort. Focus on something else.

This world is not a bed of roses, even if your home might feel like one. And even if you consider yourself a prime example of loving kindness, not everyone else is the same. In fact, most people are very flawed. They can be selfish, jealous, callous, unjust or plain nasty. But the damage they can do to you is minimal, and temporary. Only you can inflict the longest lasting and most painful injury to yourself.

Don't allow people to ruffle your feathers and steal your serenity.

The Airport

The moments before a loved one leaves for a long period of time are intensely powerful. So are the moments following a loved one's return. At the arrival and departure halls of the airport, grudges and annoying habits are forgotten, differences, insecurities, and selfishness put aside. Our eyes linger for one last look, we breathe in more deeply, hug more tightly, and kiss more affectionately. We scan the crowd for our loved one, our hearts close to bursting and when we finally meet, our emotions just explode.

At the airport, the light in which we see our loved ones is one of utter love. But how long does that light last? How quickly we slide back into our tangle of doubt, jealousy, selfishness, and anger!

Life and death are very much like the arrival and departure halls of an airport. A mother looks at her newborn with pure love. The feeling that we have at the beginning of a relationship is one of absolute bliss. At the deathbed of a loved one, we too become loving, forgiving, and wistful. But why do we have to wait for those times? Why can't we love our loved ones purely and unconditionally on ordinary days?

That's because we take them for granted. We get caught up in our own affairs. We think about our problems and imagine that somehow our loved ones are to blame. But think about the feeling you had at the airport. Wasn't it wonderful? How fantastic it would be if you could learn to constantly remind yourself that your loved one is due anytime on that plane with a one way ticket! Imagine how much more love you would experience! And how much less time you would waste on being angry, fussy, or proud!

When I watched the movie "Big Fish", what struck me most was not the fact that the father Edward Bloom was able to add more colour and joy into his and others' lives by spicing up his adventures and stories. What moved me the most was how intentional and focused his love was for his wife. To find her, he spent three years working for free at a circus just for information. He made a field of daffodils for her. He endured the beating of his life because she told him not to hurt her rampaging fiance. He took on every hazardous mission he could during the war in the hope that he would be injured and return to her sooner. And he spurned the advances of a young girl saying that his wife was "the only one".

Of course this is fiction. But how wonderful if we could love someone like that. Even if we could only try, it would be a good start. Pure love may not be achievable for everyone, but if we remember the airport, remember the light in which we saw our loved ones there, and remember that one day, they too will be bound for a flight never to return, we will cherish every moment with them.

Winners

Would you like to be the best that you can be? Would you like to be a winner?

These sound like redundant questions, don't they? Who wouldn't want to be a winner? Well, if you take a good look around you, apparently plenty. Most of us are not living lives of constant self-improvement and action towards success and the fulfilment of our dreams. Most of us are "losers", not in the derogatory sense of the word, but we are "losers" because we allow ourselves to keep falling short of what we are capable of.
In order to achieve our goals, we have to burst through the web of "passive anticipation", meaning the kind of thinking that says "oh, I'll get to that soon", "yeah I know I need to get this done, but I have so many other things to do", and "when I find the time, I'll do it".

Cut to the chase. Identify your passions, your priorities, your plans of action, and most importantly, act on them. It's no good having dreams if you simply continue sleeping.

If you truly want to be a winner, you have to wake up. See the world in a brave new light. Believe that this world is essentially and generally benevolent, and that sometimes, bad things happen to good people, but if you follow your instincts, it will point you in the right direction and towards your goals. Learn to control your fear and do not always avoid something just because past experience has been negative. Who knows, the next one might just be the one.

Learn to be optimistic but rational. For example, putting half your earnings into investments you know have the potential for modest but steady growth is being optimistic but rational. But putting all your savings into an IPO you know nothing about just because a good friend says you should or because you have a gut feeling about it, is a foolish gamble. Some might say that you've got to take big risks in order to win big. Well, are you prepared to lose big?

Once you've identified your passions and loves, make a list of things you have to do to get you closer to your dreams. What's next? Action - the key to success. Your plans are nothing if you do not have the discipline to follow through on them. And start today. Losers chatter to themselves that they will start "one day real soon". It never happens.

2005-07-05T11:48:00.000-07:00

Don't Compare

In our daily interaction with others, we're either consciously or subconsciously sizing each other up. Judging, assessing, measuring - their looks, their demeanour, their abilities, their intelligence, how happy they are. It's a survival instinct I suppose, when knowing how competent the other players are gives you clues about how to play the game.

However, this becomes self-defeating when we begin to compare ourselves with others. When we do this, we give away a small part of our uniqueness, taking away from our own gifts and talents.

No other person has our unique qualities. No one else has ever gone through the exact same circumstances or has had the precise physical characteristics or thoughts we have.

It is when we are envious of others and what they possess that we do the greatest damage to ourselves. If we only knew what their thoughts were and what they had gone through to achieve their success it is unlikely we would want anything to do with it.

Wise persons of the ages have stated that if all people in the whole world were to dump their problems in one pile and we were to go through that pile, we would be extremely happy to settle for our own problems.
We just don't know what the other person feels until we have been in his shoes. What does he think and why does he think that way? What circumstances has he been through? What obstacles has he had to overcome to achieve whatever it is that he has achieved?

When we can truthfully answer those questions we can know how the other person feels and what has been required of him. The one thing we can know is our own thoughts and feelings, the circumstances we have allowed to bring us to our current position in life, and the choices we have made to bring us to where we are.
This allows us to honour others without comparing ourselves to them.

2005-07-05T11:46:00.000-07:00

Coincidence or Intuition?

Let's say you get an idea to do something - like read a certain book. It just pops into your head for no apparent reason. You wonder why it happened and then forget about it. Later that day at work, a colleague casually mentions that book, talking about how it helped him and so on. You dismiss it again because you think "I'll read it at a later time."

A few days later, you're at a doctor's appointment and you're flipping through a magazine. You see a review for that same book. By now you're thinking "Am I going mad? Is this a coincidence? It must be a coincidence."
Later, as you step out of the clinic and onto the street, that very book falls out of the sky and hits you on the head.

No, that would be too big a hint. And will most probably never happen. But the first three "encounters" with the book in some form has got to get your attention.

When things like that happen to us, most of us brush it off as coincidence, when we really should be taking the hint. Intuition hits - you get an inspiration or an idea to do something and you get bombarded left and right with all of these situations that don't seem to have any connection. Until you take a closer look and then you see. That one thing linking all of them. The thing that's pointing you in a new direction.

Look back on some of your past experiences in life. I am sure that there were several times where things happened to you for no apparent reason. These events either led to other events or were major turning points in your life that didn't match up anywhere else. They didn't seem to fit in to what you were doing at the time. But looking back, they fit in perfectly. It's just that you couldn't see it at the time.

When things happen without any obvious reason, remember that there's something you need to pay attention to. There's always a reason, it's just that you can't see it while it's happening. There's an unseen force that's always pointing you in the right direction whether you notice it or not. If you're religious, call it a sign from God. If you're not, call it intuition, gut feeling, or whatever. If you choose to look out for them, you will notice them. And those unreal experiences, those strange "coincidences" - things happening by 'chance' are usually a push in the direction you want - or didn't know you wanted - to go. Trust your heart and follow the flow.

2005-07-05T11:40:00.000-07:00

The Most Important Quality in a Life Partner

If I were to ask you "What's the most important quality that you seek in a life partner?", what would come to your mind?

If recent surveys are anything to go by, women generally value a sense of humour, a caring nature, and sensitivity to her feelings and needs. For men, what comes up tops usually is a gentle nature, good looks, and yes, a sense of humour. Studies have shown that for men though, they perceive "a sense of humour" not as having the ability to make them laugh, but being able to understand and be amused by their jokes. A fundamental difference in the sexes there? Perhaps, but that's a topic for another discussion.

So, back to the most important quality you seek in a life partner. What have you come up with? If you're like most of us, you would either think of a external quality like a smooth complexion or a personality trait, like kindness or being good with children.

But how about "happy and fulfilled with an exciting life"?

Looks will fade, and a person with a great sense of humour may not necessarily have the strength of character to endure life's challenges. So think about it - wouldn't you rather spend the rest of your life with someone who is independent, happy and with an outlook on life that is enriching, stimulating, and vibrant?
I don't know about you, but I know quite a number of people whom you would not give a second glance at on the street, but the moment they enter a room, they draw the attention of everyone with their lively stride, beaming faces and exuberant talk.

That's the most important quality I'd seek in a life partner. Someone who is full of life and energy, a shining beacon through life's dark moments, who can still make me laugh when the terrain gets bumpy. Someone who is enterprising, innovative and always surprising. Someone I can know and love for years and still fall for every day.
An aspect that we often overlook in our search for a mate is his or her attitude towards life. His or her values and convictions. Can they withstand the test of time? The trials of living together?
Is it time you re-examined your criteria for a life partner?

2005-07-05T11:33:00.000-07:00

Enthusiasm

It's often said that in any given enterprise, perseverance is key to success. The premise is that if you do not give up, you'll eventually get to taste the fruits of your industry.

That may be true, but what's going to keep you going? What's going to keep your machine well-oiled and revved-up?

Henry Ford said, "You can do anything if you have enthusiasm. Enthusiasm is the yeast that makes your hopes rise to the stars. Enthusiasm is the spark in your eye, the swing in your gait, the grip of your hand, the irresistible surge of your will and your energy to execute your ideas."

So how enthused are you in your endeavours? Is keeping up the pace requiring more brute force and mental strength instead? How long will that last?

Imagine being firmly committed to your deepest ambitions. Imagine feeling energetic and enthusiastic about your relationships, career, and all the things you want. Envision a future as bright and promising as any you have ever imagined. Imagine working and playing and not knowing the difference.

Enthusiastic people are inspired by great ideas. However, they live and thrive on action.
So how can you become more enthusiastic about the things you do that can bring you more joy and success?
Well you can start by searching your soul. We all have a passion for something. And that passion is what fuels our enthusiasm.

What dreams and aspirations are you committed to achieving during your lifetime? In which areas of your life are you committed to becoming exceptional? What are the biggest obstacles that are holding you back from what you want? What could you do to turn your obstacles into advantages?

With stronger enthusiasm, you will find a positive energy pulling you toward what you want to achieve. Then act on your ideas with confidence. As Henry David Thoreau said, "If one advances confidently in the direction of his dreams, and endeavours to live the life he has imagined, he will meet with a success unexpected in common hours."

Your Reaction to Anger and Criticism

It's unavoidable. Unless you can live under a rock for the rest of your life, you will encounter people who will be angry with you, criticize you, or treat you with spite or disdain. When this happens, how do you react? Especially when the facts of the case show that the aggression was uncalled for?

Let's say you enter a restaurant expecting great service and a tasty meal. The waiter or waitress is snarly and literally throws the food on the table. You ask for a glass of water to go with the meal and they act as though you had asked for something impossible.

Our first reaction is to be nasty in return; "and they can forget about the tip too!".
But do we know if they were intentionally mean? Perhaps they have just been informed a loved one is seriously ill and in a hospital, or they haven't the money to pay their rent, or they have a severe headache. This list could go on endlessly.

What about when you're striving to do your best job, and someone highlights a trivial flaw? Or a mistake that wasn't even your doing? Do you feel an undeserved sting? Do you defend yourself profusely? Do you think to yourself "If this person only knew the half of it!"

The problem we face is that we have no way of knowing what the other person is going through at that point in their life. And this refers both to the other person as well as us. Even the finest people are sometimes so overwhelmed by circumstances they act rashly, or were simply not in full control at the time.

"What if that person was truly being unkind?" you ask. "What if he or she had genuine intention to hurt?"
Well most of the time, a person's meanness and arrogance stem from their own insecurity or fears; their own weakness of character which caused them to react in a rash and irresponsible way, often without really giving the case much thought. Most antagonists simply want to push your hot buttons and chuckle inside as they watch you explode.

So spare yourself the mud slinging. Let not your heart be burdened by words that have no power the moment you decide to give them no meaning.

Building Self Esteem and Confidence

Building self esteem and confidence is a process that involves making changes. And making changes requires time and energy. So the first step towards a healthier sense of self-worth is to improve your energy level.
To do this, make sure that you have a nourishing diet, sleep well, exercise regularly, and make time to relax, enjoy yourself and be with the people you love. Develop a kind of structure or schedule so that these things are built into your daily life. No matter how busy you are, make time for them.

Building self esteem and confidence hinges on breaking old habits and developing new, productive ones. A key habit that needs to be shattered is persistent negative thinking. For some of us, these thoughts are so interwoven into the fabric of our minds that we assume that they are normal - but they are not! Learn how to acknowledge and deal with your inner critic.

Also, stop playing The Blame Game. Stop judging yourself and other people in your life for what has happened to you in the past. Blame serves no purpose other than to breed bitterness and resentment. This wastes a lot of time and energy that you could use in more productive ways. Besides, people do what they think is best at the time, the same way you do. And we all make mistakes. So learn to forgive yourself and others for past mistakes.
Learn how to reconcile, resolve and accept what has happened in the past and know that it has made you a stronger person. Acknowledge your fears and find out what's really behind them. Many of your fears are likely to be groundless; it is the thinking, attitudes and beliefs that cause much of the unnecessary fear. Fear is often a disguise for your lack of belief in yourself and your judgements.

Once you've started making these changes to build your self-esteem, commit to them! Even if you manage to use just one of the examples I've suggested, it will begin to make a difference to your level of self esteem. Know that you have value, regardless of what has happened before.

Developing an Attractive Attitude

In a previous programme, we talked about how a positive and energy-giving life attitude is the most important quality we should look for in a life partner. However, as we get ready to seek our future partners, we often neglect our own attitude towards our own lives.

For just as we increasingly understand the value of a happy and fulfilled disposition in a life mate, they are also waking up to this fact. They are also looking for the same qualities in us.

How you feel about your life now as a single person and the possibility that you might stay single, affects how you come across to others. If you hate your life, think that being in a relationship is the only way to live, and look towards a future as a single as depressing, sad, or bleak, believe me, that shows. And it is very unattractive.
Not only is it unattractive, this kind of mentality makes you feel insecure, needy and desperate. This frame of mind clouds your judgement when it comes to sorting through spousal possibilities. If the thought of leading a single's life scares you, then you're very likely to build most of your life towards that goal of finding a mate. A mission that can become so consuming that you feel compelled to throw yourself at the first person who shows a bit of interest in you. With that kind of compulsion, how can you make a good judgement? You'll very likely scare off the other person too!

So how do you stay centred and clear-headed?

Well, begin by thinking about how you can improve your life as a single. What are the talents you can hone and sharpen? Could you cultivate more meaningful friendships? How can you improve your mind and body, naturally, so you can feel better about yourself?

Stop thinking about being in a relationship. That possibility is not definite for anybody. Instead, if you knew, right now, that you were going to spend the rest of your life as a single, what would you need to do so that you would have an interesting and vital life? You know, love is a funny thing, people say, you can search for it your whole life and not find it, yet, the moment you stop looking for it, it can literally bump into you on the street. So let it go, be good to yourself, develop a fulfilling and happy relationship with yourself and you'll find that more doors will open that way.

The balance you feel and your satisfaction with what you have will be exciting and attractive to others.

2005-07-05T11:32:00.000-07:00

Mistakes Make Perfect

Think about the people you admire for their exceptional skill and quality of work. They hardly seem to trip up. Even when they do, they invariably pick themselves right up with panache and every strand of hair in place. Blunders that seem to floor the common person simply slide off them.

Let's consider one of mankind's greatest fears - public speaking. We all have to do this in some form at some point in our lives. Notice how no one is truly flawless? There is always some uncomfortable pause, some ill-timed joke, an unsuitable word, or the mic falls off the collar. But why do some faux pas appear worse than others? Why do we sometimes begrudge someone for a slip-up, yet seem to forgive others' blunders almost instantly?
The secret is in the perception of mistakes.

Successful, respected people have mastered their flaws. They understand the role they play in creating uniqueness and motivating learning. Most importantly, they realise that the more you are affected by a mistake, the more likely you're going to make more. The worse you feel about your trip-up, the more likely your audience is going to remember it negatively.

So when you fall, get right back up! Acknowledge it, but make sure people know that you're not going to be cowered by it. Shrug it off and move on. Everyone knows that mistakes are a part of life - they're natural and spontaneous. They may be expecting a watertight performance, but if a little rain should fall, they're very likely to perhaps giggle a little then wipe themselves dry, IF you do the same.

The more we learn about mistakes, the more we understand that really, mistakes make perfect. There is simply no other way to learn. We're all familiar with coughing profusely on our first trip to the swimming pool, our scars from falls from bicycles, the stack of complaints from customers who today are our most loyal consumers.
When we make a mistake, focusing on it simply makes it worse. Consistently high-performing people are not perfect, nor are they as "high-performing" as you might think. You may not remember their boo-boos, but that's only because you were more engaged with how good they were after that.

The world is not without its flaws. There will be earthquakes, there will be suffering, and skyscrapers will fall. Junk mail, sour milk, botched-up presentations and big red F letters on our test papers. And supermodels will continue to fall off runways. Yet, the world moves on. And so can you.

2005-07-05T11:29:00.000-07:00

Staying Empowered During Stressful Times

It happens to the best of us. No matter how adept we become in handling difficulties, solving problems, and staying optimistic, there will be times when the once brightly-lit road becomes foggy. We can't perform at 100% 100% of the time. Sometimes we trip, and occasionally, the mistake can feel so severe that it gives our previously rock-solid confidence a resounding crack. So what do we do when we start to feel lost? How can we remain empowered and positive through stressful times?

Well, firstly, many people think that asking for help or guidance is a sign of weakness. It's needy, they feel, something that the truly capable will never request, even though they may really need the support. This is a mistaken view. The giving of help need not be a simple handout. When we give, we also receive. And if we are open to the gift of help, we may yet gain the strength that we can use to help others in future. You don't have to be the victim in need of charity. Make it a partnership; something that benefits all parties involved either immediately or in the future.

When our confidence takes a beating, we may feel like withdrawing from society, from the communities in which we used to participate. But this simply strains your self-worth even more. So, even if you're in a particularly stressful state, continue to tap into any groups of people with whom you have positive, interactive relationships on an ongoing basis. Sometimes, when everybody expects you to shrivel and disappear, simply showing up will be enough to give you and your community that much-needed boost.

During nerve-racking times, it's also important that you remain real and true to yourself. It's easy to feel as though you've become half the person you used to be. But staying positive and re-connecting with your passions and life purpose will help a great deal. Stay centred and self-respecting, but be careful not to overdo it as to appear arrogant or delusional.

When we're at our lowest ebb, when we're feeling so deflated that we think we cannot possibly have anything more to give? we can very often surprise ourselves. Mountaineers, long-distance runners, and other endurance sportspeople know that even if it feels as if we have only one remaining breath, if that breath is spent giving ourselves one final push, we can often achieve the seemingly insurmountable. So give of yourself. Do what you can to still help others. The joy of giving from the heart may just be enough to bridge that gap between stress and joy, and give you a whole new positive direction.

And remember to always turn towards love. Grow towards greatness. At the end of the day, there are only two choices - love or fear. If you can love without fear, you will never be beaten.

2005-07-05T11:28:00.000-07:00

Managing Conflict and Anger

Let's continue to look at some ways you can better manage conflict and anger at work and in your personal life.

Very often, when we're all knotted up in fury, we say things we don't mean. We use words we wouldn't normally use. So if someone is angry with you, and says things you don't agree with, try repeating the exact words that he is saying to you. This technique helps the other party think about what he's really saying. In a fit of anger, we often don't hear ourselves. Hearing his own words being repeated helps him think about how fair they really are and what kind of impact they're having. It also gives you the opportunity to examine a different point of view. What caused this person to say such things to you? Is there any truth to them?

When something goes wrong, we all feel inclined to blame someone else. Maybe it's survival instinct, I don't know, but it certainly does nothing to help your relationship survive. When disagreement happens, no one party is completely at fault. Take responsibility for your own feelings and the part you played in the situation. It's all about how you say it really - instead of saying "Do you know that you're wasting my time when you're late?", try saying "If you're going to be late, give me a call so I can do something useful while waiting for you."

When you get into an argument or disagreement, take yourself out of the situation and listen to both sides of the conflict as if you were the mediator or the counselor. Try to be sympathetic and non-judgemental, and look for a compromise. There usually is a way for both parties to be appeased. If you can listen and respond in this way you will bring peace and solutions to the conflict more quickly.

For example, in response to an employee's raise request, you might say, "On the one hand I understand that you really need the raise, and on the other hand I represent the company, whose funds are very scarce at this time. Is there a way that I can work on your compensation package that does not involve cash?" Here, the mediator's point of view can look for the creative compromise that takes into account the limits and the needs of both parties.

You may have heard that anger is essential in giving us the motivation and courage to make certain difficult changes. That may be true in some cases, but the damage to health that anger brings has been well-documented. So view your conquests over anger as health treatments you give yourself. It's like going to the gym or eating healthy foods - every time you divert your emotional state from anger, you're doing your body and mind a whole lot of good.

2005-07-05T11:26:00.000-07:00

Waltz of the Z's

It's well known that the average human being needs at least eight hours of sleep a day to perform at his optimum level. But how many of us are getting enough? In places like the U.S., the National Sleep Foundation (NSF) recently reported that 63 percent of Americans are sleep deprived. In a rapidly-developing country like Singapore, where high stress levels show no sign of abating, can we expect most of us to be getting enough rest?
Besides job and relationship issues, other things like the loss of a loved one, a drastic change or a serious illness can cause even greater numbers of Singaporeans to suffer from sleep deprivation. Ironically, this is the time when a good night's sleep is even more important to facilitate recovery and healing. Sleep deficiency can also lead to dangerous consequences like dozing off while driving.

So are you struggling to snooze?

Here are some tips that may help soothe your sleeping worries.
One solution to combating insomnia is to create a restful and tranquil sleep environment in your bedroom. This includes keeping the temperature cool, the light dim and the bed comfortable. If you're not sleeping well, your mattress may be the problem. Most people don't realise that their bed can be preventing them from sleeping well and, in some cases, keeping them awake.

Do you keep irregular hours? As much as possible, stick to a normal sleep routine and get extra rest if your body needs it. When stressed, adults should pay careful attention to what their bodies are telling them, make good judgements about getting to bed earlier and take frequent naps. Going to bed earlier may be tough in the beginning, but your body will gradually adjust to the cycle. If you find that initially, you can't fall asleep within half an hour or so, don't fret. Don't try to force yourself to sleep. It never works. Get up and do something - read a book, drink some milk, organise your shelf. You'll soon find yourself yawning and ready for bed.
Nightmares can disrupt sleep. Activities that increase the possibility of bad dreams include watching TV or eating just before bedtime. Excessive intake of caffeine and alcohol will also increase brain activity that can disturb your sleep.

There is no one formula for a good night's rest. These are just some pointers to get you started. But the most important thing to remember is - sleep is above all, mind over body. Relax your mind, don't worry about not being able to sleep, think of soothing images, and allow yourself to fall asleep naturally.

2005-07-05T11:21:00.000-07:00

Separating Personal and Professional

In life, we each play many different roles. One could be a son, a father, a teacher, a learner, a manager, a lover, an artist, a joker. The intricate dynamics of these roles is what gives each of us our uniqueness and our value to others.

In our professional lives however, it's often prudent not to allow our personal roles and emotions to carelessly slip through. Bringing your emotional baggage into the workplace is inappropriate for all the reasons you may imagine. Many corporations today may tout themselves as being a "big family", yet how many of them truly tolerate workers who bring their personal frustrations or opinions into the work sphere?
So how do you take the personal out of the workplace?

It requires discrimination and distinction. If you are having communication problems at work, look at how you view your manager, boss or employee. Does he or she represent a parent, mate or partner? Are your frustrations about what is and is not working in your life manifested on the job? Learn to leave your troubles at the door. Decide that what you do in the workplace is your contribution ?to yourself, your peers and the community. This is your opportunity to commit to what you are best at doing and get paid for it.

Examine your values. Values are how you live your life, about what is important to you. Choose values that help make you what you truly are. Your personal values and professional values can be the same.

As a manager or business owner, you have to know what your values are; what the values of your company are, as well as the values of the people you manage. The basic rules of respect and acceptance apply. The Golden Rule is: "Do unto others as you would have them do unto you", not: "Do it to them before they do it to you".
People who bring emotional baggage into the workplace can be temperamental, grasping and neglectful. Even more frustrating is that they act out all their pent-up, misplaced emotions on the job without consideration for others. Employees and co-workers react to this, work efforts and results go by the wayside, and profit and productivity go down.

Leave your unexpressed feelings at the door. Take a break if you become frustrated. Know that you are at work to provide results.

Heal yourself first, determine your values, then you will be a better employee, manager or business owner.

2005-07-05T11:16:00.000-07:00

Cleaning: Outside and In

When you feel upset, discouraged or out of control, do you feel the desire to clean? Well, I don't, but when I do try it, it often works for me. There's a deep connection between our personal environment and our innermost selves. Our senses reach deep, and those same senses also feel our surroundings. So is it possible that by shifting the arrangement of our belongings we can re-arrange the molecules of our emotional lives as well?

When our homes become cluttered and disordered, other aspects of our lives also tend to feel stuck. A cluttered home reflects a distracted and cluttered mind, and it also makes it hard to focus and think clearly. It gets easier to put on hold decisions that could put you back in control of your life. Eventually, we give up. The task seems overwhelming, and the clutter is so pervasive that we can't decide where to begin.

Clutter saps your energy and erodes your spirit. Clutter makes it difficult to get things done, enjoy peace and quiet, or spend time the way you really want to. It adds to your stress, slows you down and drains your physical, mental, emotional, and spiritual strength. Clutter makes you lose your focus, and that makes you lose your confidence and power as well.

On an energetic level, all this stuff is preventing a clear vision of self. Anything that is neglected, unwanted, or unappealing to you will drag your energy down every time you look at it. Even a beautiful object of great value does nothing for you or your home if you don't like it. So if you don't love it, get it out of sight.
Look around you. If you could only choose ten items to live with for the rest of your life, what would they be? When you're considering this question, ask yourself - What do they really do for you? Do they empower you? Are they motivating you to improve yourself?

Everything that surrounds you should be working for you in some way. If the things in your space are not supporting you and contributing to the positive quality of your life, it is time to do something about it!
The defeat, fatigue, and depression that you feel when you think about your clutter will start to evaporate as soon as you put yourself in action. The hard part is getting started, but once you do the magic will begin.
Clutter-clearing creates space for us to discover our true path in life and to define who we want to become. With this new vision we can consciously choose to surround ourselves with objects and imagery that reflect and support our authentic concept of self.

2005-07-05T11:15:00.000-07:00

Managing your expectations

If disappointment and failure are reducing you to a pulp, try lowering your expectations. Yup, you heard me right - you have to lower your expectations. Now this idea runs counter to the conventional wisdom of "reaching for the stars", and "being the best in the field".
In theory, these are excellent objectives to work towards, and it's been said that "if you aim for the moon, even if you fail, you'll land among the stars". That's a beautiful idea, and I'm not disputing it, but without some control, such ideals can burn you out, create frustration, and literally destroy your drive to attain any goals. Very often, it's a case of wanting everything yesterday - you simply cannot wait for success to happen to you now, and when it doesn't, you lose hope.

The key is managing your expectations. This does not necessarily mean changing your goals or lowering your targets. You can keep your goals high, just don't expect to make huge leaps every time you try. Every successful businessman knows that in order to win big in the end, you may have to lose big in the beginning too. By all means, set a quota for yourself, but when you don't hit it, there's no need for your self-esteem to take a hit.
So if you feel like you've run into a wall, or bumped your head on the ceiling, your expectations of what should be are probably forcing you to take too big a bite. How can you still work towards your objectives at a more reasonable pace?

Before you go ahead and jump across that canyon, make sure that you know exactly where you want to land. It is imperative that you define exactly what it is that you ultimately want in your life. Once you know what you want, break the process to reach this "vision" down into reasonable steps.
As the crow flies may appear the fastest and easiest way to your dreams, but very often, it isn't. Achieving great success in life is hardly ever as simple as making a beeline for the goal. It's like soccer or basketball, where you often have to dribble past and around defenders, sometimes even turn back, in order to score. So if you're being pummeled by consistent letdowns, try changing direction. Sometimes walking around the mountain is better than climbing beyond it.

High expectations set on a vision that is "unknown" or vague

2005-07-05T10:19:00.000-07:00

well, I initially intended to use asliceoflife to name this blog but

the name was taken. by..

a fellow who had ONLY two posts. The later one was posted in year 2002. thanks..

so that was it.

I resort to naming this blog "asliceoflifeRealversion".

anyway,

My friends,WELCOME!

Why an xtra blog?

Personally, I have benefited from listening to "a slice of life" programme on FM 93.8 for the past 3 years.

As I stepped into my 20s, life isn't very much like a carefree childhood. Yes, mum still nags when I make mistakes. However, I need another guider in life, someone who teaches and reminds me of issues I might not be able to learn from my loving parents. Someone very personally mine.

'A slice of life' programme has provided me with food for thought, prompted me to do soul searchings. It makes every of my tomorrow seem a fresher start.

No remuneration from the 93.8. ..I swear. Just like to share with you, my friends.

Feel free to drop by and peep at whatever topic that strikes you.

Reminder: nothing expires here. =)